When Grief Is Complicated: What if you didn’t love them?
Grief and relationships are complicated
When someone dies, people often speak about the loss of a ‘loved one’. It’s a kind phrase, and for many families it’s exactly right. Over the years, we have learned that grief doesn’t always fit neatly into that description.
Sometimes relationships are strained, and life’s circumstances can make them even more difficult. Human relationships are rarely simple and can at times carry hurt or tension. Even so, when someone dies, the sense of loss can still be very real.
When someone dies, the emotions that follow can be far more mixed than people feel able to admit out loud. Alongside sadness, there may be anger, relief, guilt or unresolved hurt. Feelings like these are far more common than many people realise.
The Emotions People Don’t Talk About
Recently, a lady shared an experience with us that has stayed in our thoughts. As her husband was nearing the end of his life, she was trying to adjust his pillows to make him more comfortable. In a moment of frustration, he said to her “You’ve always been stupid.” Those were the last words he ever spoke to her.
She carried those words with her for a long time. Alongside the sadness of losing him, she felt hurt, anger and guilt, wondering whether she could have done something differently in those final moments. When the time came for his funeral, she helped craft the eulogy and then listened as it described the more positive sides of his life and character. She understood why it was that way; funerals are a time to remember the good in someone’s life and the impact they had on others.
Privately, she found herself struggling with the difference between the public picture of him and the complicated reality of their relationship behind closed doors. She kindly gave permission for this story to be shared anonymously, because she knows many others carry similar feelings but rarely feel they can speak out about it. Many people quietly hold these experiences, believing they are the only ones who feel this way and this can leave people feeling isolated with their own memories or emotions.
Relationships are complex, as is grief.
All Relationships are Different
At Tom Owen and Son, we try not to assume that every person that has died will always be described as a ‘loved one’. Every family and relationship is different and the experience of grief can be very personal. Some relationships bring comfort and warmth, others are more complicated and carry a long history of mixed emotions. Recognising that reality allows families to feel understood rather than judged during such a difficult time.
If Your Grief Feels Complicated
Grief can include love, sadness, anger, regret, relief, and many other emotions; sometimes all at once. None of those feelings make you a bad person. They simply reflect the reality that relationships, and life itself, are rarely simple. Grief is deeply personal, and there is no right or wrong way to experience it.
If someone has died and your feelings are mixed, please know that you are not alone. It can sometimes help to talk about them with someone you trust, such as a friend, a family member, a counsellor or a bereavement support organisation. More information is available on our website, including details of our free-to-attend coffee mornings, a safe space amongst others who have experienced bereavement.
