Care After Death: How Families Can Stay Involved

Recent events within the funeral profession have understandably caused many families to ask more questions about what happens to someone after they die.

Where will they be taken? Who will care for them? What happens at the funeral home? Can their family still be involved? These are important questions.

At Tom Owen and Son Funeral Directors in Llandudno, we believe good funeral care should be built on openness, dignity and choice. Families should know where the person they love is being cared for, what care is proposed and who is providing it.

But there is another part of the conversation that is sometimes overlooked. Care does not have to end when someone dies, there are many ways in which families can continue to care for and be involved with someone after death, if that feels right for them.

Caring for someone after death

For weeks, months or sometimes years, relatives may have helped someone wash and dress, prepared meals, made them comfortable, held their hand and sat beside them through difficult nights.

When that person dies, it can feel as though this caring role suddenly stops. A doctor or nurse attends, telephone calls are made and a funeral director arrives. In a short space of time, someone who has been at the centre of family life may be taken into somebody else's care.

As funeral directors, our role is to take responsibility for caring for that person safely and respectfully. But that does not mean the family has to step aside.

We should also explain what is possible, offer practical support and allow relatives to remain involved when they want to be.

What happens when someone dies at home?

When somebody dies at home and their death has been expected, families may want some time together before the funeral director arrives. Once the death has been properly verified, you may wish to sit beside them, hold their hand, play familiar music, say prayers, invite close family to visit or simply spend some quiet time together.

There does not always need to be a rush to bring someone into the funeral home. An unexpected death is different. There may be circumstances where the police or coroner become involved, and this can affect what happens next and when the person can be moved. When we are called to a death in Llandudno, Conwy or the surrounding North Wales area, we will always explain what needs to happen and why.

Can a family help when someone is brought into the funeral director's care?

Yes, in some circumstances. The moment somebody leaves their home can be especially difficult yet incredibly poignant, and families sometimes assume that they need to leave the room while the funeral director takes over, that does not always have to happen. You may want to remain beside your relative while we prepare to bring them into our care. You might walk alongside them as they leave the house, place a favourite blanket or flower with them, or simply stay close. Some family members would like to physically help.

Where the surroundings, the condition of the person and safe working practices allow, there may be ways for relatives to assist us. We would never expect anyone to undertake physical work that was unsafe, but neither would we dismiss a family's wish to take part without discussing what might be possible.

Can you wash and dress someone after they have died?

Families are often surprised to learn that they can sometimes help wash and dress someone after death. For somebody who provided personal care during life, this can feel like a natural and tender continuation of their relationship. You might want to:

• wash their face or hands;
• brush or style their hair;
• help dress them in clothes you have chosen;
• apply their usual moisturiser;
• use a favourite perfume or aftershave;
• help with make-up or other familiar personal touches.

You can be involved as much or as little as you want. Our team can carry out the practical care while you remain nearby, we can do it together, or you can leave all of the care to us.

Occasionally, the condition of the person who has died, the nature of their death or an infection risk may mean that certain care is not advisable. If this happens, we will explain why and look at whether there is another safe and meaningful way for you to be involved.

Helping to place someone into their coffin

Another part of funeral care that families may not realise they can ask about is helping to place someone into their coffin. For some people, simply being present is enough. Others may want to arrange a favourite blanket, place photographs or letters beside them, adjust their clothing or help us gently place them into their coffin. This can be an emotional moment, but for some families it is also peaceful and reassuring. Instead of something happening privately behind the scenes at the funeral home, it becomes another act of care undertaken together.

Can family members close or seal the coffin?

Yes. If a family wishes to, there may also be an opportunity to be involved when the coffin is closed. Some people prefer to say goodbye and leave the room before the coffin lid is placed on, while others want to remain present. Family members may also choose to help place and secure the coffin lid themselves. For some people, this final physical act of caring is particularly meaningful. It can provide a sense of having accompanied the person they love through every stage of their care. For others, it would feel much too difficult. There is no right or wrong choice.

Can someone stay at home after they die?

Families sometimes ask us whether it is possible to keep someone at home after death. In some circumstances, yes. It may be possible for somebody to remain at home for a period after they have died. It may also sometimes be possible for them to return home before their funeral.

This needs careful consideration and planning. We would look at factors including:

• the condition of the person who has died;
• the temperature;
• how long they would be at home;
• access to the property;
• safe handling;
• any involvement from the coroner or other authorities.

It will not be possible or appropriate in every situation. However, we do not believe it should be dismissed simply because it is less common. For some families in Llandudno and across Conwy, having someone at home allows relatives to visit and say goodbye in familiar surroundings. Other families feel much more comfortable knowing that the person is being cared for at our funeral home. Both are completely valid choices.

Is embalming necessary?

Another question families frequently ask is whether embalming is necessary before a funeral. It is not required for burial or cremation. At Tom Owen and Son, we do not routinely embalm the people in our care.

Embalming is an invasive procedure that can help slow the natural changes that occur after death. There may be circumstances where we believe it could be beneficial, for example because of the condition of the person or the length of time before their funeral. If we recommend embalming, we will explain:

• why we believe it may help;
• what the procedure involves;
• what alternatives are available;
• and what you can expect afterwards.

Most importantly, embalming should never simply happen without a family's knowledge. We require informed written permission before embalming takes place. Families should know what care is being provided to the person they love and be able to make an informed decision.

Can family members carry the coffin?

Yes. Family members and friends can often help carry the coffin at a funeral, and they do not need any previous experience. We can talk you through exactly what will happen, consider people's height and strength when deciding positions and remain alongside you throughout. There are different ways to be involved. Some families carry the coffin for the entire journey into the church, crematorium or funeral venue. Others carry for part of the journey. Some relatives prefer simply to walk beside the coffin or place a hand upon it while our team carries the weight. A funeral should be adapted around the people involved wherever possible, rather than expecting every family to follow the same format.

Family involvement should always be a choice

None of these things is compulsory. Some people find practical involvement after death deeply comforting. Others know immediately that it would be too upsetting for them. Some want to see and touch the person they love. Others would prefer to remember them as they were before they died. Some want to wash, dress or carry them. Others want their funeral director to take care of absolutely everything.

Neither approach represents greater or lesser love.

Participation should always be an invitation, never an expectation. No family should feel pressured into washing, dressing, carrying, closing a coffin or spending time with somebody who has died. Equally, nobody should discover afterwards that something they would have found meaningful could have been possible simply because they were never offered the choice.

Questions to ask your funeral director

Whether you are arranging a funeral in Llandudno, Conwy or elsewhere in North Wales, you should feel comfortable asking your funeral director questions about the care of the person who has died.

You might ask:

• Where will my relative be cared for?
• Will they remain at your funeral home?
• Will another funeral director or facility be involved?
• What care will be carried out?
• Can we help wash or dress them?
• Can we spend time with them while they are being cared for?
• Can we help place them into their coffin?
• Can we help close or secure the coffin lid?
• Can they remain at home after death?
• Could they return home before their funeral?
• Are you recommending embalming, and if so, why?
• Can family members help carry the coffin?

A good funeral director should not be offended by these questions.

They should welcome the opportunity to explain how they work, listen to what matters to your family and be honest if something is not possible.

Funeral care in Llandudno, Conwy and North Wales

At Tom Owen and Son Funeral Directors, we have cared for families in Llandudno and the surrounding communities for generations.

We believe caring for somebody after death should never simply be about processes taking place behind closed doors. It should be about dignity, openness, trust and choice. Sometimes caring means asking us to take care of everything. Sometimes it means wanting to stay involved yourself. And sometimes it means doing those things together.

Our responsibility as your funeral director is to make space for all of those choices.